I’ve been feeling a general sense of malaise lately. Haven’t we all?
It might be because of last week’s cold weather, those days of oppressive snowfall and gray. It might be because our oldest daughter is facing the fact that we’ll be ringing in her eighth birthday in the same subdued way we ended up celebrating in March 2020; her birthday party was one of our first planned events canceled due to COVID concerns.
Maybe it’s the fact that we are almost approaching the one-year mark of this pandemic we all trying to cope with. Even with the onset of warmer weather and in-person instruction on the horizon (any change to our routine or opportunity for new activity outside of our home is a welcomed one), I can tell this year is really, really wearing on us around here.
I told a friend that I’ve been feeling rudderless. It’s a feeling that used to creep in when I left my job at MSU and was deeply into the stay-at-home mom life: who am I beyond a mom? What parts of my life are just about me?
It felt like I was getting back into a groove the last couple of years, with different writing opportunities and both girls attending school. I had time to myself, however brief, to recharge at least a few times a week. It felt like I was keeping my foot inside the door of a place I’d be getting back to one day.
COVID changed all of that; feeling rudderless in this storm of a year has been overwhelming.
As I shared with my friends Momfaming in their Moming through the Pandemic series, my job has been to keep us all going during this time. Holding down the fort, I often say. I’ve learned to understand and appreciate the fact that I’m the glue holding things together around here, and that it’s enough.
But this week I realized something that’s been missing. I’ve been wearing my mom hat and wife hat for such a sustained amount of time, and the opportunities to swap in my other hats are few and far between. In some ways, for right now, non-existent. But last night I got a glimmer of the person I used to be, or still am, I guess.
Let me explain.
Continue reading “The hats I used to wear before the pandemic”