Stella said something to me last night that broke my heart. It was during bath time, with both girls splashing around together and playing with plastic cups.
“Mama, sometimes you don’t pay attention to me.”
What did she mean?! Isn’t every waking moment spent answering a litany of questions, fielding requests for snacks or refills of milk, suggesting art projects and cleaning them up, and responding to “mama? Mama? MAMA?” a hundred times a day?
“What do you mean, Stella?”
“Sometimes you pay more attention to Margot.”
Well of course! I was your sister’s main food source for the first several months of her life. Remember how she never took bottles? You can dress and use the bathroom by yourself. Your sister is still light-years from that. Most days are spent realizing that your sister has an uncanny ability to find the tiniest piece of something on the rug and want to promptly put it in her mouth. I need to pay more attention to her sometimes.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. Your sister is still a baby.”
“Yeah, but sometimes I feel lonely.”
Shit. I am failing as a mom.
“I’m sorry, Stelly. I will try to do better.” My eyes filled with tears and my throat began to hurt.
“Mama, why are you upset? Do you think I don’t like Margot? I love her!”
I’ve been trying to take Stella’s comments with a grain of salt. We did just come off of a week-long birthday bender that ended with her very fun “Coco” party. We’re planning a trip back to Disney World that will absolutely revolve around her interests. We spend a couple of evenings a week taking her to swimming and piano lessons.
At five years old, she’s too little to understand that while her sister does require a special level of attention, our family life still revolves predominantly around her. Even though I need to shush her while her little sister is napping at home, there have been countless times that I’ve needed to wake Margot up so that we can get Stella off to school or one of her evening activities.
But at five, Stella is able to recognize and vocalize her feelings. And what she said last night has given me pause.
As a stay-at-home mom, what happens when the customer complains? At home, I am the activity coordinator, scheduler, driver, cook, teacher, sibling mediator… the list goes on. The hours are long, but most days are a manageable and controlled chaos.
Still, when the girls aren’t happy, the buck stops here. As the full-time “manager,” I can get the credit when the reviews come in and Stella calls me “the best mama ever!” But it also means coping with the complaints when my services are sub-par.
In considering Stella’s feelings, I have realized that I have been defaulting to that “survival mode” parents fall into when they have a new baby. You do whatever works to get through the days, and that is not only acceptable, it’s unavoidable. It’s life.
But I have had trouble evolving from that mode, even though Margot is 14 months old now. For Margot’s first year of life, if something came up for Stella, it was almost always Daddy taking her. I thought she would love that special daddy-daughter time, and of course she did. But while that meant that I would get some mommy-Margot time, I was missing out on some much-needed mommy-Stella time.
True, there is a lot of time at home each day that is just mommy-Stella time, especially when Margot is napping. But Stella’s comments last night have helped me realize that all of these days together at home aren’t really the same in her eyes as special activities outside of the house.
Whether that’s fair or not doesn’t really matter. Perception is our reality, especially for a little kid. I know as moms we are always trying to do our best, and at the same time, beating ourselves up for feeling like we are not measuring up.
My first reaction after Stella said those things last night was to feel hurt, and shed some tears. My reaction was about me, how I wasn’t doing well enough as a mom. I wanted to read her the riot act, to say that this mom thing is a thankless job sometimes.
After sleeping on it, I understand that Stella wasn’t saying I’m a bad mom. Of course she wasn’t. Stella was saying she needs me. There are many times when I have to choose to help Margot because she needs me more, but that doesn’t mean that Stella doesn’t still need me, too.
I need to be reminded of that from time to time. For all of the times I’ve felt isolated in mommy land, spending hours and hours of my life nursing Margot or trying to get her to sleep or changing another diaper, there’s a little girl who can remember what it was like before her baby sister came along. And she wants her mama too.
I am going to take this moment from last night and make some changes in my mama dynamics. Her words weren’t criticism, but a much-needed touch of truth serum that only children can give without attitude or agenda.
In this case, the customer — my sweet Stella — was actually right.